The Power of Boundaries

When Saying STOP is Necessary

Setting boundaries is one of the most crucial yet challenging things we, as women, can do. It often comes with backlash, guilt, and the fear of being misunderstood. But is that fear justified? Or are we simply conditioned to believe that taking up space and asserting our needs is wrong?

Recently, I had an experience that reinforced the importance of clear and firm boundaries. My ex has been subtly trying to reinsert himself into my life, despite my previous attempts to make it clear that our relationship is over. This time, instead of passively allowing the situation to unfold, I decided to turn the tables—mirroring his own tactics of flirting and casual conversation about intimacy.

One day, he stopped by to drop off our son. I made a playful comment about how much I had "enjoyed" myself, knowing it would trigger a reaction. He took the bait—leaning in, positioning his body to block our son’s view, pressing himself closer to me. While I felt momentarily awkward, I also realized something profound: I wasn’t actually attracted to him. I wasn’t engaging with him out of desire—I was testing the power dynamics.

As expected, he became aroused but then quickly shifted into hurt feelings, accusing me of being cold and manipulative. The irony was not lost on me. How often had he played these same games without remorse? And yet, when I flipped the script, I became the villain in his story.

A few days later, he showed up at my door unannounced, parking at my neighbor’s house as if to avoid detection. My instincts immediately signaled that this was not okay. Despite my inner warning, I let him in. He excitedly shared that he had secured a new job—something he could have easily conveyed through a text message. I listened, congratulated him, but quickly found an excuse to leave, claiming I had to meet my neighbor’s dog. Shortly after, my neighbor called, as if the universe was affirming my decision to create distance.

His energy shifted. He wasn’t pleased with my reaction, but he left. Yet, as I re-entered my home, a sinking feeling settled in my stomach. It was time. Time to establish clear, non-negotiable boundaries.

I sent him a voice message:

"I’m sorry for messing with you the other day, but I need to be clear—showing up at my door unannounced doesn’t work for me. You need to arrange things beforehand."

What followed was a barrage of angry text messages. He lashed out, berating me for being distant, for playing with his emotions, for not allowing him access to me on his terms. And in that moment, I knew I had done the right thing.

This is an unhealthy dynamic, and it cannot continue. He will always be my son’s father, and that is a role I respect. But beyond that, he is my past—and nothing more.

Yet, even in making this necessary decision, I felt a pang of emptiness, a sense of sadness. Why is it that when women set boundaries, we are met with resistance and hostility? Had the roles been reversed, would it have been as dramatic? Or would it have simply been accepted?

Are we afraid to stand firm because we fear the emotional toll it takes? Or are we afraid of what happens next—of who we become when we fully step into our power and say NO?

Whatever the answer, one thing is certain: Setting boundaries is not only necessary—it is an act of self-respect. And it is time we stop apologizing for it.

Alot of Love

Gunhild